That Felt Funny…

And by “that” I mean the amount of butterflies I got by seeing that I got a new follower from the last post I made and a few people liked it. It may not seem like much but it was enough to make my heart skip a beat. Too dramatic? Maybe a little! But hey, there’s no other feeling like when you’re connecting with complete strangers online.

So yeah, I love blogging. I miss it. But I’m still not sure about the subject matter and that brings me to the point of…What’s important enough for me to rant on about every day or once a week, that people will actually listen to it? Or in this case read? I mean, I’m just a young Army wife who’s trying to find her niche in this world. Writing is one thing but, I feel like there’s something about myself that I’m not giving credit to. Something that can be built into a career.

While I do even more soul searching, I want to say thank you for those who follow, and understand, and reply and just for being you. I don’t know any of you personally but you’re here for me in a way. And that makes me feel better about this whole not knowing what I want to do with my life thing. I appreciate you guys.

Yeah, this is too dramatic.

What Am I Doing?

So even though my last post was almost 3 months ago, I’ve managed to gain 3 more followers. I apologize for my absence. Listen, I love the idea of blogging but I’ve been feeling very down about the subject matter. I’m beginning to find my way out of the black hole that is anxiety and I feel pretty good. I’m a lot happier and things are going well. But now I have to look back here and feel like a failure. I want to blog. I want to talk about things that are important. And I would love to make a career out of it. But how do I do that? Where do I start? And most importantly, is the subject matter keeping me from moving on?

I’ve been spending that last 3 months without talking about my anxiety and I’ve been doing really well. Maybe it’s time to let this go. I’m not sure if that means letting go of my book idea but I just don’t think I can walk around with this dark cloud looming over me anymore. I haven’t decided what to do. Shall I let go of this blog? Create a new one maybe? But about what? I have a lot of things on my mind but what’s the most important? Which one can I make stand out? Which one will make a difference? Looks like I’m doing some soul searching.

In the mean time, as I try and decide whether this blog is what I want and need, I’ve decided there’s a lot of things I’m going to try. P90X, for one. It’s an intense workout program. But I have time and I’m wasting it away. I’m going to start crocheting with t shirt yarn. I have some great ideas and I’d like to open my own online shop. And, if all goes well with the next year and my husband getting out of the military, I’m going to try for my AA in Business. I honestly have no idea what I’m doing with my life. But I have ideas, and that’s a start.

What Time is the “Right” Time?

This isn’t really a mental health post. It sort of resonates to physical health and general emotional well-being.

Today was my first day on this new “Anti-IBS diet”. I have my meals down for the next 2 weeks and they honestly aren’t disgusting foods. There’s definitely a few things I’ll have to get used to. Like rice cakes and no dairy, but I’ll get there.

Today my mom also sent me about 7 boxes full of all of my stuff that was still all the way across the country. A lot of these things hold sentimental value. A few things made me tear up. Others put a huge grin on my face.

Yesterday my husband got us a gym membership for 24 hour fitness a few minutes away. Today was supposed to be my first day, but I backed out. I didn’t back out, however, because I didn’t want to go. I didn’t go because my husband said something that made me mad and I definitely used that as an excuse to have some alone time while I had a little cry fest. I cried for many reasons and it seems my emotions are normal most of the time, but recently they’ve been…erratic.

You see, I wanted to get everything sorted out of these boxes and put up before going to the gym. Matt kept fighting me on it. Eventually, once everything was put up I realized the tomato soup I made RIGHT before the boxes arrived was now cold and no longer sounded appetizing. I wanted to eat something quick so we could leave soon, so I made a sandwich. Yes, it was rye bread and fresh (not processed) ham, but I also put on cheese. My husband said “You never stick to anything”. No, it’s not what anyone should say to a hormonal woman, especially one who isn’t exactly the most mentally stable person in the world.

That made me a little frustrated and I wanted to let it go, but I used it to my advantage. I got mad and stayed home. Now listen, yes I did violate my new diet but I knew it would be a process actually sticking to it. It’s day 1. I’ll survive and I’ll learn. But I jumped on this comment and turned it into, “I’m not going”. So the moment he left I began to cry. I cried because I was a teeny bit mad at him. I cried because there were a lot of memories that hit me today. I cried because some very sentimental items were broken on their shipment here. And lastly, I cried because it seems like everyone is getting pregnant.

Now listen, if I wanted to try and get pregnant, I probably could. But I’m on birth control for a reason. My husband and I aren’t financially ready for a baby. I mean, very few people are actually “ready” in every way, but I know it would be a huge struggle for us. And I’m young right? I have all the time in the world, right? Well that’s great and all. I get it. I understand it. I understand all of the cons of having a baby right now. Plus, therapy and physical ailments right? That would put an even bigger strain on me before I’m even better. Having a baby right now would be stupid.

But, emotionally, not getting started in that process is killing me. I’m burdened by the fact that we’re not ready. It’s easy to be patient when you have things to distract you. Like..a career. And even though there are plenty of things I want to do, I want to be a mom more than anything. There’s a reason all of my career choices are “stay at home” jobs. My number one goal in life is to be a mother. And I know it would be hard, but raising a child in our current situation is not impossible. So many people don’t understand that a career would mean nothing to me without kids. That’s just the way I am. A lot of people see it as a luxury. I see it as a reason for living.

Now, I’ve been having physical symptoms for the past 1-1/2 months that may very well be pointing to pregnancy. I could have a child in me as we speak. The problem is, I don’t know if my symptoms are just worsening IBS, a new problem or pregnancy. Nothing about my symptoms is normal, even for me. So, there’s hope. I’ll never give up hoping that my birth control will fail. Or that my husband will look at me one day and go “I’m ready. Let’s do this”. That’s another thing. Emotionally, I’m there. But I’m waiting on him. And there’s a lot of things in this world I’m patient for…but this isn’t one of those things. The worst part is he has no idea how much pain this is causing me. It’s like there’s a hole in me that can’t be filled until I do the thing that no one else wants me to do. The thing is, no one I talk to is worried about money. They aren’t worried about age. They just don’t want me to replace a career with children. What exactly is so bad about being a stay at home mom, especially when I could be working while doing it?

Well, that’s my emotional trauma for today. Thanks for reading.

F*** Anxiety!

I’m currently experiencing some minor “depersonalization”. And this is ANNOYING.

I’ve spent my day the way I should. I made sure I got plenty of sleep. I honestly am sleeping a lot better. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night much anymore, which is amazing. I sleep until my body goes, “Battery 100% charged”. Okay, it might be a while until I’m “100%” charged, but I’m getting there. Regarldess, I’m not a zombie in the morning. I still dream almost constantly while sleeping, which apparently is directly associated to my anxiety since I’m not getting the proper amount of “deep sleep”, which is the stage past dreaming. It’s the stage where your body is actually replenishing properly.

Anyway, I got up and made breakfast. I made strawberry pancakes and they were DELICIOUS. Healthy and awesome. I made my hubby some plain pancakes since he actually likes syrup (ew) and we were all happy. Then we cleaned the entire apartment. I stayed busy and once again, we’re all happy. Not to mention the entire day I’ve had a roast in the crock pot which is making the house smell spectacular. I just made some sweet tea, which I’ve missed dearly. And no, when I moved from Florida to Washington I didn’t expect the one thing I can’t live without to magically disappear -_-‘ So everything has been going great. I even planned all of our dinners, and all my lunches and breakfast for the next week or so and they’re all HEALTHY. Delicious, wholesome and healthy. So I’ve been on a role since yesterday. Anxiety hadn’t even crossed my mind, except for my heart palpitations I get every now and again (stupid hormones). But I dismiss it quickly and it never crosses my mind again.

But here I am now. Matt’s playing video games for the next hour before dinner so I decided to jump on the Internet and see what I’d missed today. When all of the sudden I get that “unreal” feeling. It lasts for a split second. I’m thinking “here comes the migraine” and then…”no, it’s the depersonalization”. But now I have no symptoms. Just me, freaking myself out. Well, actually, I’m not. At last not as much as usual. I’m just sitting here going…um..hello? Body…you were about to do something crazy? And I get no response. Just my mind freaking out a bit.

So now I’m sitting here thinking….you ***hole!! REALLY? What was that?? A tease or something? I mean, honestly. Now I’m starting to compare my anxiety to an annoying child. You know, the one who gets TOO much attention as it is? But decides to interrupt the peace because they’re bored? Yeah, that one. The needy, annoying, spoiled child that needs to just sit down and shut up for two seconds so that I can actually enjoy the progress I’ve made. Okay…I don’t know if a child is the right way to put it but you very well know what I mean.

But I think I’m finally starting to understand the whole “Accept that it’s there, but don’t accept it’s power over you” thing my therapist keeps saying. So anxiety, in the name of being positive, F*** YOU!! I’ve had an awesome day. I’m happy. And YOU aren’t going to ruin it just because you feel you’re being neglected.

I think I get it now. I’m always treating my anxiety like a sick child (there’s that child comparison again). I’ve been trying to find ways to soothe it and make it feel better, like it’s this separate entity.

But you don’t need me and I sure as hell don’t need you. I know you exist but you might as well not exist because I’m done giving you the attention I could be giving to MYSELF. And I deserve that attention!!

I feel better.

Shy Batman!

When facing social anxiety, I find it soothing to compare oneself to Batman. Feel powerful in overcoming your anxieties!!

Nothing I Don’t Already Know

I went to therapy today. I haven’t been in months. And I know I’ll be going about once a week from now on because….I’m getting worse.

Well, let me clarify on what that means for me.

My social anxiety has taken a huge turn. I’m honestly not so scared of people anymore. I’m still not super involved until someone takes the effort to pull me in, but I’m more than happy to be pulled in now. I can have full conversations with other people without my husband in the room and not break out in hives. And even though my therapist congratulated me on this, saying I’ve come a long way in a short amount of time, I’ve never given myself much credit for it.

Now, my health seems to be depleting…and rapidly. My anxiety has formed into a whole new form that I’ve never experienced. First off, after my second “Atypical migraine with aura” (Basically an intense headache on the left side of my head with the right side of my body going numb and a lightning bolt flashing in my right eye) I’ve been having almost constant headaches. These, of course, are rebound headaches. And I’m supposed to be taking less to no medication for these, because if I take more, they’ll just keep coming back and get worse. Now, my doctor gave me a new migraine medication and my response to it wasn’t so good. I took it, got snuggled up in bed and then these terrible constricting pressures filled both of my arms (above the elbows). I began to panic. I thought my legs were going numb too and began to scratch them. But I got up and was fine.

Now, I refuse to take that medicine ever again. Apparently the only actual migraine medication that’s recommended for people like me is just Excedrin Migraine. And I’m so content with that. But I have to avoid medication for a little while.

But here’s the deal. Now, I’m having a huge increase of arm, shoulder, chest, neck, and (obviously) head pain. And to make matters worse, 3 nights out of the past 2 weeks have been the most terrifying since I had my first migraine attack. Basically, I lay down in bed and I get that “spinning” feeling. You know what I’m talking about, right? Sort of like you’re spinning on a boat while floating on water? But it’s CRAZY intense. And no matter what I do, it doesn’t go away. Then I start to panic. And all of the sudden I feel completely and totally unreal. My therapist called it depersonalization. I’ve been feeling this “unreal” feeling more and more. Describing it as a combination of being stoned, having an anxiety attack, and feeling trapped in my own body. Sometimes I get small doses of it randomly, always thinking it’s going to get worse. But in those moments, I’m able to control myself and focus on real life.

So, what do I do? I have to get back to reality. My therapist says people like me, who are always looking for links between my illnesses, my anxiety and my past, know what’s wrong and how to fix it, are intelligent people, who commonly suffer extreme anxiety and a plethora of other issues.

I’m not going to lie. When he said I was intelligent I almost laughed. I’ve felt like the biggest idiot since I got extremely sick my freshman year of high school. My grades were terrible. I had zero focus. I got no sleep. And my memory has been depleting ever since. Or so it seems.

But then I thought about it. I LOVE so many things. I love research and I love writing. I love learning and I love facts. I just can’t remember a lot of them. He says I take in too much during my daily life and instead of filtering it out like the average person, I obsess over every last thing. I seem lazy to everyone I know. But in reality, my mind and emotions are so overwhelmed that I have no physical energy left to do anything. While he was telling me this I couldn’t help but realize the similarities between what he’s saying I am, and Autism. Autistic people are usually quite intelligent, but they take in so much information at once that they can’t handle it and get agitated. Is it weird that I’m proud of that comparison?

Regardless, I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. It’s all just sitting down and actually doing it. Giving my brain and emotions a breather. Letting things go and not letting them get bottled up. And getting a routine. Staying busy.

The best part is that we haven’t even started talking about my family and childhood yet. Once again, I know everything I could possibly know about why I am the way I am. I made sure I knew. But…it’s dealing with who I am that’s the hard part.

Intelligent, huh? Not bad.

A Need For Organization

I haven’t posted in almost a month. Good Lord, that’s a long time. And why haven’t I posted since May? Because I am so unorganized that it’s actually pathetic. Let’s see what’s happened since my last post.

Well, I had another “atypical” migraine last week. My right side went numb again and we went to the hospital, again. My head hurt much worse this time so they gave me actual medication through an IV. That was no fun. For the first few minutes that it was hitting my system I was so uncomfortable I felt like scratching my skin off. I saw my doctor a week later and she gave me some migraine meds. I took that for the first time today and wow, I wasn’t expecting what came next. I took it then went to lie down in bed. I felt some minor pressure in my arms but that’s nothing to be alarmed about. However, my body didn’t agree. I literally thought both of my legs were going numb. I began to scratch them and they were fine, but my body still felt very off. I got up and went in the living room. I instantly felt sick to my stomach and felt like I wasn’t breathing very well. I decided to jump in a warm bath to calm my body down. It helped tremendously, but all I could think about was the fact that before this recurrence of my weird migraine, I was FINE.

Seriously. My emotions were fine. My anxiety was fine. My IBS was fine. But I cried today, feeling extremely let down by myself. It only took me a few minutes before I realized that I give my brain too much time to think about these things. In fact, writing about this is already making me imagine my throat is going numb. I’m a healthy 18 year old who is in severe medical trouble because I can’t get out of my own head.

I have dreams, you know. I want to write and sell my work. In fact, I just submitted a poem to an online magazine and if they like it, I could potentially make some money from it. That makes me feel good. I also want to bake, I want to crochet rugs with rope and t shirt yarn and sell that. I want to run a popular blog. I want to be an entrepreneur and watch my businesses turn into an income from home. So when my husband and I are ready, I can be a stay at home mom. In fact, my husband says that if the things I do become successful, he would either become a stay at home dad or, more likely, go to school. And because of the military he can use his GI bill for school and while he’s there, we’ll get a certain amount of money each month to cover some bills. That’s what I call opportunity. I know what I want out of life. I just have to get out of my own head and do it.

I need to get organized. Re-evaluate my life, my goals and our home. I need to organize my thoughts and feelings. I need re-think my health and what needs to be done to maintain it. I need to confront troubling thoughts and then let them go. There’s a lot that I need to do and want to do. But I’ll never get what I want if I don’t first get what I need. And I NEED organization. Otherwise I’ll end up like so many others in my family. Divorced, lonely and crazy. Time to stop messing around and get down to business.

I’m so tired -_-‘

Not Again!!

Of course, as usual, I’ve completely lost all of my energy and will to workout. I’m going to try again. But this time, I’m allowing something that I actually connect to, to fuel me. Now, I’ve only recently gotten to the point where I’m very accepting of my body. I’m an extremely insecure person. I get that. But I don’t want to do what a lot of people are telling me to do, which is looking in the mirror and seeing what I want to change. I’ll be honest here. That does not fuel me! Never has and never will. If I nit pick at my flaws I’m guaranteed to never want to workout or eat right. Making myself feel bad and guilty just won’t make a difference.

So what fuels me? What makes going to college so worth it? What are my goals? WRITING!!! I LOVE words. Words, books and writing it all down helps me. It just makes me whole! So, I’ve decided to motivate myself with some inspirational quotes. One every day that reminds me how even though it’s really hard work, it’s so worth it. I want to be a stronger person and this is how I can do it. I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified. I really am. But, I need this.

And my sister had a wonderful idea! She told me to keep a journal of my quotes every day and writing down what workout I did, how it effected my body, how it made me feel about myself. I’ll start writing down what I eat as well. That’ll help, right? I think so!

Listen, I’m very lazy. And I’m always fighting myself to do things because I want to be productive SO bad. For some reason, it’s just really hard for me. But, hopefully, I’ll change that.

Oh, by the way, my husband takes supplements and what not before his workout. He gave me his pre-workout drink. BAD IDEA. At first I was fine, then I felt nauseous for a while, my heart started beating fast and I was shaking. My appetite was gone for a while and I ended up only having a 6 in whole wheat sub from Subway. Granted, it was delicious. And it definitely woke me up, sort of. I was tired but I had too much extra energy. So we walked around for a while at the local town center. Man, I was just AGGGHH!!

I don’t recommend it for people who have anxiety to take things like that. Just take vitamins every day. Drink a ton of water. But don’t do that. It feels very similar to a panic attack and it scared the crap out of me.

Alright, I’m done. Thanks for reading my rants 😛

I Need Your Help

I’m doing more research for my book and it’s taking a weird turn. Last night I felt inspiration to finally start the first chapter. But, after writing a couple of sentences I kept changing everything. I now have a paragraph and a half and I’m stumped again. It doesn’t seem good enough. I have so many ideas of how to do this. But…I can’t seem to grasp it right. I realize writers are too hard on themselves but this is more complicated than a poem I know most people won’t understand when they read. It’s my life. It’s my family’s lives. It’s the lives of people all over the world who are misunderstood. How do I portray it correctly and do it justice? I’m not sure I can. I mean, I want to. I want to so bad. But I haven’t found the right inspiration yet. I need more research and more importantly, I need true stories.

So, I need your help. Whether it’s you or someone you know, I need to know your story. I want it and I need it. How can I write this story if I don’t have multiple accounts of living with a mental illness? So, I ask, if you would like to share your story with me? You can make a video or type it up or write it down. I want to know when it started, how it feels, what goes through your mind and how you live with it. It can be anything as long as it’s a mental disorder of some form. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, eating disorders, anything. Even if it’s a short story and you’ve overcome it, or it’s long and detailed and is a forever-long battle. I want to know.

My email is slroller94@gmail.com
This is my personal email. No one else will see these and I will not share them. You can send it to me in any form that makes you comfortable. If you would like me to get rid of it or destroy it or whatever you like, I will. If you want me to reply, I will. I might ask questions as well. If you’re alright with me digging into your mental illness, make sure you let me know. I don’t want to cross any limits. Don’t forget that if you have someone you know who might like to help me with this, please let them know.

In the subject box please put your name and at least one mental disorder you have, that way I can just look at it and know it’s not junk mail. Something like ( Susie – Depression or Susie Johnson – Anxiety) If you aren’t comfortable putting your name and would like to keep it completely anonymous, that’s fine. Just put your disorder in the subject box. Names will simply help me organize a little better but I want you to be comfortable.
Like I said you can be as detailed as you want. The longer, the better.

I realize this might be a lot to ask. But I’ve already been given some detailed accounts with family members. And they all say the same thing, the thing we’ve all realized being on WordPress. Writing it down really helps. Talking about it and expressing yourself really helps. Also, don’t think that you have to be proper or politically correct. I would like the spelling and grammar to be adequate that way it’s easier to read, but if you need to use some bad language, do it. If you want to say something that someone might find offensive, say it anyway. The point of this is to better understand different mental illness. But I do want to get into your head in a way. I want to know the differences in two people who are both bipolar, and I want to know the similarities in two people who have different mental disorders. Once again, this is YOUR life. This is how you see it, not how other people tell you it is. I appreciate the help.

Also, unless told otherwise, I will give you a special credit in my book. I will confirm with you that it’s okay before publication, probably multiple times. And if it’s alright to give you credit, I’ll of course need your name at some point. But we’ll take this one step at a time. Thanks again and I really hope to hear from you guys.

slroller94@gmail.com

Just Life

I’m having a hard time keeping up with exercising but that’s no surprise. I don’t do well with scheduled. I’m incapable of being organized for some reason. But that’s alright. I still get things done…eventually. Besides, I’m worrying about other things right now.

One thing being school. I’m already a little behind but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been studying since I woke up this morning and it looks like I’ll be taking my first test tonight.

The second thing being the surprise party this weekend for my husband’s coworker. I LOVE this man’s fiance. She’s great and knowing that she’s the one planning it makes me a little less stressed over the fact that there will be around 10-20 people there. Most of which I won’t know. I guess because I’ve spent so much time alone at home lately and also going to the couples retreat helped relieve some social phobia symptoms, I’m more than ready to go out this weekend. We’re going to dinner and then having a bonfire at their place afterward. It’s been so warm lately, which I miss dearly. And plus I’ll have my dog there. There really isn’t a whole lot for me to worry about. I’m pretty much going to be in my element so I’m actually excited!

The third thing is writing my book. I know there’s a lot involved, research wise, because this isn’t a full fiction book. While it is a made up story, I’m incorporating mental health and it’s very important that I get this right and express it the right way to my audience. I want to help people understand these issues a little better.

The fourth thing is getting a job. I’ve been trying to grab some freelance work but I’m young with no credentials, so of course, no one’s interested. And lately money has been tighter than ever and I’m just spending too much time at home. So we came up with the solution of me finally getting a job. It would be perfect since all of the money I make will go directly into savings. Of course, I’m nervous. I’ve only ever held those small under the table jobs from family or friends. This is a little nerve wracking. But I need this. We need this. I want to get out of this apartment. I want to save up for our future. It’s important. My social phobia has made getting a job impossible but I’m feeling good and doing better, so I want to take a step forward, not stay in the same place. If I don’t move forward I know I’ll end up in another rut and my depression will come back. I’m not willing to go back to that. I want to be better than ever and I’m ready.

I went off on a little thing there but anyway, the fifth thing is definitely the most stressful. I have to tell my sister that I’m not having a wedding. I’m not interested and I’m sick of trying to make others happy when it makes me miserable. I got married at the courthouse for a reason. I can plan some big family get together some other time. Right now I have other things to focus on. Like, for example, seeing if my dad will loan us the money to get my car out here. We only have one car and my husband’s hours aren’t always precise, plus I’d like to be able to go places when my husband isn’t home.

Yeah, there’s a lot going on here. But it’s good. Summer is here and I’m moving on with my life. I’m trying really hard to not let myself get down about my emotional and physical problems. They don’t define me. I define them. And I can make my life whatever I choose. I’m not letting those things hold me back anymore. And I’m very happy about that 🙂